Afraid I could not contain it for you

I received a call yesterday that you were back in intensive care. From the report they said you were frail and black as coal. I assume the virus has overtaken you,and I wonder how long you will be with me. I am not certain how I can manage never hearing the skepticism in your voice again, or seeing the smile that has brighten many dark days. I refuse to add you to the list of others I have lost but it appears I may not have a choice.

When I saw you last in your hospital bed, I moved away to gather myself so you would not see the tears in my eyes. I told you that I loved you,and you responded that you loved me too. I really think you saw the tears in my eyes but you chose not to acknowledge them.

I have known for some time about your status but you chose not to share it with me, and I respected your privacy. I wonder sometimes if you wanted me to ask you, because after all you put it out there often enough. Maybe I was afraid to hear what you would say or afraid that I could not contain it for you.

I am afraid to count up how many I have lost to the virus. I think often that it could have been me, but by the grace of God I am here and my status is negative. I am at a point where I wonder if being celibate is a better option than to take risks with people who are not honest or don't know themselves. They say approach every possible partner as if they were positive, well how safe really is safe sex?

When I place a personal ad and state that I am STD free/ HIV- and looking for the same, I have offended those who are positive but don't I have the right to make a choice?. Sometimes I am frightened that I will meet someone and fall in love only to find out later their status is positive. Then what? If I love him I will not be able to walk away.

So I ask myself again, why didn't I talk to you about your status? I wonder if it really was fear or then again I was afraid that I could not contain it for you.