A date with my professor

I was recently perusing a dating site that I tend to frequent too often and ran across a profile with a familiar face. Some years ago in my undergrad anthropology course I had a professor that was absolutely brilliant and also quite sexy. At first I was hesitant to send him a message but I decided what the heck all he can say is no.

I decided to send him a message and said that he looked familiar, and reminded me of a professor I had in an undergrad anthropology course. I also stated that he looked great, and commented on how much I enjoyed his class. As luck would have it he responded, and stated that he was in fact a professor of Anthropology at the school I attended. He thanked me for my message, and was grateful that he had made an impact on my life with his course.

I decided to take it a step further and told him that I always had a crush on him and wondered if I was too obvious. He responded that he was also attracted to me. He further stated that he wanted to connect with me as well, and that he was not aware of my crush.

Long story short we spoke over the phone and decided to meet for dinner and a movie the upcoming Friday. At first he wondered if this was too akward for me and of course I stated no. I asked him if I should continue to call him Professor X , he laughed and said no that I could call him by his first name. Of course my wicked mind thought about a scene we could eventually play out as student and pupil, but I kept that to myself.

So friends and fans what do you think? Should I show up with an apple in hand or a bottle of wine for an after dinner drink?

How many of you will admit to a crush on a favorite teacher or how many of you have already dated a teacher from the past?

I will update you with the results of my first date. Sounds like a LifeTime movie in the makings!

rp

The DL and the black community

I know my thoughts and beliefs about the black community will be defended by many, and possilbly strike a nerve in others who decide to remain silent.

The black community has been less loving and accepting of SGLM (same gender loving men) for decades, and I do not see this changing any time soon. SGLM have been ostracized,ridiculed and made to feel less than a man because they love men. The churches preach hell and damnation to hard legs that want hard legs. They say we choose this lifestyle. Now come on people, who would choose a lifestyle that is shunned by society and told it is immoral, made to believe you are deviant and un-natural.

I was never faced with an option to choose between being gay or to be heterosexual. I was never raped, molested or wanted to be a woman either. But as far back as I can remember I have had an attraction to the same sex, so thus I am a sglm who enjoys the company of other sglm's. No, I do not choose to consider an effeminant man who has not clearly chosen if he wants to identify with being a man or woman. But I appreciate the company of other masculine men who are attracted to masculine men. Now granted there are those that choose to be with effeminate men, I am just not one of them.

I believe the reason why so many black men are what society has decided to call them on the downlow is because of the attitudes of black america. I have sat through too many sermons of ministers degrading homosexual men. Only later to have been caught on their knees giving a blow job or waiting to be mounted from behind. Yes I know that not all black ministers are not under-cover gay men. But if Christ speaks of love and salvation for all why are you not trying to reach these men who need support and someone to listen to them. If they dont have you who else will they turn to.

Why not address HIV in the churches? This is where you have the masses of people and a captive audience. Too many of our black women are being infected daily from this dreadful disease. Sisters make your men strap up and stop saying "No, not my man he could never be gay". Your husbands, boyfriends and fuck partners are the ones that I run into the most. They are on the sex phone lines and internet sites looking for ass, and dick while you are out making money to keep the lights on.

Yes, its sad but it is true. I am not condoning this behavior because it is wrong. If you are cheating on your partner the least you can do is protect your home and strap a condom on, since you are not man enough to be honest and admit that you like men.

Just something to think about.

Afraid I could not contain it for you

I received a call yesterday that you were back in intensive care. From the report they said you were frail and black as coal. I assume the virus has overtaken you,and I wonder how long you will be with me. I am not certain how I can manage never hearing the skepticism in your voice again, or seeing the smile that has brighten many dark days. I refuse to add you to the list of others I have lost but it appears I may not have a choice.

When I saw you last in your hospital bed, I moved away to gather myself so you would not see the tears in my eyes. I told you that I loved you,and you responded that you loved me too. I really think you saw the tears in my eyes but you chose not to acknowledge them.

I have known for some time about your status but you chose not to share it with me, and I respected your privacy. I wonder sometimes if you wanted me to ask you, because after all you put it out there often enough. Maybe I was afraid to hear what you would say or afraid that I could not contain it for you.

I am afraid to count up how many I have lost to the virus. I think often that it could have been me, but by the grace of God I am here and my status is negative. I am at a point where I wonder if being celibate is a better option than to take risks with people who are not honest or don't know themselves. They say approach every possible partner as if they were positive, well how safe really is safe sex?

When I place a personal ad and state that I am STD free/ HIV- and looking for the same, I have offended those who are positive but don't I have the right to make a choice?. Sometimes I am frightened that I will meet someone and fall in love only to find out later their status is positive. Then what? If I love him I will not be able to walk away.

So I ask myself again, why didn't I talk to you about your status? I wonder if it really was fear or then again I was afraid that I could not contain it for you.

Twice As Good

I mentioned in a previous post about being "Good Enough." I was raised in the projects during a time when leaving your door unlocked was not uncommon. My mother trusted her neighbors,and believed that everyone watched out for each other. This was a time when everyone believed in the Great American Dream. If you worked hard enough there was nothing that you could not accomplish.
Although my parents believed in the Great American Dream, their southern upbringing caused them to doubt the validity of such a notion. Both of my parents were reared in the south during a time when Jim Crow laws were in existence. They learned first hand what it meant to be poor, and black in the south. They knew that hard work did indeed pay off but it required more than just hard work. My mother bless her heart believed that white people only looked out for each other. She also did not believe that they would advocate for blacks if it meant putting their own kind as second.
I learned first hand what it meant to be "Twice as Good". My mother sat me down as a young boy and told me, "You have to be twice as good as them (white people), to be accepted for half their worth. This was a hard pill to swallow for me as a child. I learned from this lesson that the playing ground would never be even. I believed that my academic status would never be Good Enough. Although this lesson helped me in many ways, such as striving to always do my best it also hindered me.
I do not fault my mom because she instructed me out of concern. She knew being a black man in America would not be easy, and that I needed to understand my play ground. When I say her instructions hindered me, I say this because I have a difficult time excepting my achievements. I feel that whatever I do, that it is never good enough.
Perhaps with time and a good therapist,I will learn to accept and love me for being me.

If you look into my life, and see what I see.

As I was driving down the Eisenhower this evening, Mary's "My Life" came on the radio. "If you look into my life, and see what I see." Well unlike Mary I am uncertain of what I see in my life. You see after all these years I am still trying to figure me out. I decided that perhaps writing about me will allow me to see myself through a different set of lens. So I title my blog "Living with Ray."

I have wanted to blog for a very long time. It was out of fear that I put it off for so long. I was afraid that others would read my blog, and decide that I was not a great writer and incompetent. Although I have achieved graduate degrees, a certain level of success, and have been recognized for my work in research, I continue to doubt my competence. I have on countless occasions developed various tests to determine to convince myself that I was competent, and if I really knew what I was doing. Yes, to some degree I know I am not ignorant but I just don't feel I am good enough.

"Good Enough" I will elaborate more on this later.

As I sit here and write. I am moved to tears because of the pain I feel. I hope that by sharing this blog will begin my healing process. I do not plan to write tear jerking posts, nor am I looking for sympathy. I only want a place where I can write about me and, process what it's like living with me.

You can be assured that I am not schizophrenic, and that I do not suffer from multiple personalities. And I do not hear audible voices nor do I see visions that others don't see. Well maybe the visions in another context.

Writing is cathartic. I have always enjoyed writing, and at one time wanted to be a writer. Perhaps once I have completed my doctorate, and have developed my private practice, I will have time to work on the book I have envisioned writing.